Day 27: Boxed out

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We have been taught that there is someone mighty in control of our life leaving us little to no control. That we are reflectors of life rather than being able to affect it. There is nothing that feels helpless and hopeless than believing that you have no power over your life and circumstances that surround you. For instance we do not choose the color of our skin and body type, we do not choose our race and we certainly do not choose the family we are born to and our background. If we are not taught that their is nothing wrong to be dark skinned than the other, that where we are born doesn’t determine where we want to go, that the other is no better than us, then we become inferior and withdrawn. More so we become prone to stigmatisation. Besides, our lives are in others mercy so why bother to change our perspective?

School, primary school in particular, made me very uncomfortable. There are definitely fun moments in connection with those school years; school trips, making new friends and science among other things. See I was a dark skinned slender lass, a little bit taller than the rest of my peers with a weird name that got me on the top on bullies list. Those made me self conscious and all I wanted to do was to hide. I was uncomfortable in my clothes, uncomfortable in my skin and uncomfortable with my name. I always dreamed of shape shifting in another’s body, probably one with a more happier and cheerful life. Unfortunately or fortunately, that didn’t happen. I didn’t as much as I could not to attract attention. No sharing out what I thought and my ideas, I rarely answered questions in class…I was in my own bubble and bitter for that matter. I could I be so young and innocent yet bitter? I didn’t inform an adult because that would make me look weak. However, it got better with time but how my view of self was tainted.

I was scarred and very much boxed in. Some part of me wanted out so I turned to books for consolation and liberation. What a perfect place to hide from the world, behind books. At least for a moment my glass stained view of the world shifted. I didn’t know that little by little I was changing inside and changing my outside too. For once I saw beauty in my skin. For once I didn’t second guess my thoughts and ideas. For once I didn’t see my views of things silly or inferior. For once I fell in love with my body. For once I didn’t want to revenge on those who hurt me. The bullies had issues with themselves too probably because someone else picked on them.

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I felt free and in control. Sometimes I have fallen back into the old habit of inferiority. But only for a while. What if that analogy is incorrect? What if this mighty power is to help us be, do and have what we want instead of controlling us? We can’t control some things but the rest are in our control especially how we react to certain stimulus.

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